The Hero Rules
by D.Minx
Summary: Hades and Hercules present those all, important 'Hero Rules'...


_Hey everybody! Those who have read my previous Disney fics know the deal, for those newbies who are just checking me out for the first time, I don't own Disney's Hercules (unfortunately)..._

_**Yeesh, Ditzy babes… what are we tryin' t'do? Depress 'em or somethin'? Why don'tcha just sit back, relax and let me take it from here sweet-cakes…**_

_Excuse me?_

_**Your excused sister.. {shoves DitzyMinx out the way and takes over}… Ahhh, now for the fun can **__**really**__** begin..**_

_{DitzyMinx clears throat while scowling crossly}_

_**You still here Minxy? Well,. I can take care of that.. {waves hand and DitzyMinx vanishes in a puff of black smoke}… and now down to business… do we really need a disclaimer here? Yeesh, how dumb do these fanfics writers think you are… oy vey…**_

* * *

_**The Rules**_

**Hey, hey… Hades here (if ya hadn't guessed already) and I apologise… Hercules put me up to this… {scowls at Hercules}.. oy… nephews…**

Come on Hades…{Hercules flashes Hades his most winning smile}.. are we doing this or what?

**Oh alright… heh, marriage has made me soft… {Hades suddenly whips around to Hercules and holds out his hand}… A hundred drachmas… pay up…**

What?

**Whatta ya… deaf Wonder Brat?**

No, I just can't believe your trying to get money off me!

**Hey, it's in your contract.. {a sheet of paper appears in his grip}.. read it and weep.. {tosses Hercules his contract}..**

{Reads contract then frowns}.. Hades! Its written in tiny writing at the bottom!

**Duhh! It's called **_**fine print**_** for a reason Jerkules..**

But I've been saving my drachmas for this really neat club I saw…

**Aw boo-freakin'-hoo… like my li'l Sephykins says: life's not fair, get used to it… {moves open hand more insistently}.. Now we doin' this or what?**

Uhh, alright, alright… {hands over a wad of money grumbling}.. let's just gets this over with..

**There.. {counts wad of notes checking it's all there}.. now that wasn't so bad was it?**

{Hercules chooses to ignore Hades and turns to the Reader} Ok people, like my coach Phil says… being a hero is a work of heart… so let's just do a little refresher course on those all important hero rules..

**{Hades groans inwardly}… I go one word for this… Bo-ring!**

{Again, Hercules ignores Hades}.. Ok, firstly: Analyse the situation, a hero thinks for himself-

**Really? {Hades interrupts looking shocked} I thought your nanny goat did all your thinkin' for ya?**

{Hercules finally turns and frowns at Hades} Shut up!

**Oh-hoh!.. {flashes sadistic grin}.. Hit a nerve have I?**

{Hercules frowns then continues}… When handling a damsel, always handle them with care..

**{Hades snorts with amusement}.. So much for the sayin': treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen then..**

{Hercules deliberately ignores this}.. Assess the environment before initiating action..

**Or if your Hercules just show up and hope for the best!**

{Hercules shudders with irritation but continues}.. Giants are dumb..

**{Hades smirks out aloud}… Just like someone else I know…**

A hero is only as good as his weapon…

**{Hades eyes narrow slyly}.. I notice you don't have a weapon on your right now…**

{Hercules swivels to Hades}.. You forced me to leave it at home!

**Oh yeh.. {Hades leans back}.. .wrote it in the contract didn't I?**

Hrmmm… {Hercules grinds his teeth but turns back to the Reader}.. A hero never accepts payment for an act of heroism..

**Oh really… {Hades cocks his brow intrigued} ..well that's interesting because I heard that a certain little nephew of mine got a herd of cows for mucking out some king's stables the other week…**

That wasn't payment! ..{Hercules glares at Hades}.. I won them in a bet!

**Yeh, yeh… {Hades waved his hand dismissively}.. whatever helps ya sleep at night, jerk..**

{Hercules frowns deeply at his uncle before turning back to the Reader}.. Anyway, where was I?

**Swindling kings outta their cows..**

{Hercules ignores this}.. Oh yeh, I remember… To be a winner, you gotta think like a winner..

**{Hades thinks for a moment}… y'know what… I actually agree with that one…**

{Hercules raises a brow with a slight smile at Hades before turning back}.. You gotta crawl before you can work…

**{Hades stares at Hercules for a whole moment before speaking}..** **Are we still on the Hero Rules or have we moved on to babies?**

Babies? ..{Hercules blinked confused before smiling slyly}.. Oh, you getting broody Uncle Hades?

**{Hades flares up irritably}.. Shut it Wonder Breath! Ya wanna make it through this in one piece?.. {fireball appears in Hades' fingers}..**

{Hercules raises his hands in defeat}.. Ok, ok… I won't pry..

**{Hades snuffs fireball and the smirk reappears on his face}..**

Remember guys, keep 'em up! {Hercules grins at the Reader}..

**Keep 'em up?.. {Hades looks bemused}.. Keep what up? Your toga?..**

No! {Hercules frowns}.. Your spirits!

**Ohh…**

A hero stops the unstoppable, defends the defenceless, helps the helpless-

**-and makes me pull my flames out!.. {Hades shakes his head despairingly}..**

{Hercules smirks at this}.. A hero is responsible… and always ready to improvise…

**Just like me and the missus on Saturday night.. {Hades grins at his nephew}..**

{Hercules blinked then shuddered in disgust}.. Ewww! I don't wanna know about your love life!

**{Hades flashed a devious leer}.. Suit yourself…**

Use what you've got.. {Hercules smirked}.. Like in the case of Achilles, he liked to use his gut..

**-or in the case of Hercules, he likes to use his fists..**

{Hercules smirked at this}… If a hero hears there is a wrong to right, then he's got to right that wrong…

**Heh… try saying that when your drunk!**

Heroes are open and forthright…

**And so easy to manipulate…**

{Hercules frowns at Hades before turning back to the Reader}.. Strength isn't everything. Sometimes you can defeat your opponent with cunning..

**Something you've yet to prove Wonder Boy… {Hades grins wickedly}..**

Concentrate… and Aim…

**That's not rules Jerkules… that's common sense!**

Dudes save damsels…

**Whoa… that's a little sexist isn't it? Heh, don't let Persephone hear ya say that, unless ya fancy another black-eye..**

A true hero never gives up… if his sword doesn't work, he uses arrows… if his arrows don't work he tries spears-

-**and if that don't work he uses bread knives! Right?.. {Hades beams widely at Hercules}..**

No Hades… {Hercules sighed despairingly}.. He doesn't.. {returns to the Reader}.. There are no small foes, only small heroes…

**Heh, heh, heh… {Hades folded his arms smirking}.. sounds like someone's talking from experience..**

Shut up Hades! ..{Hercules curls his fists glaring in annoyance}..

**Sheesh!.. {Hades rolls his eyes}.. Can't a god poke a little fun at his nephew?**

A little!.. {Hercules snorted with disbelief}.. All you've done is poke fun at me!

**Aww, boo hoo! ..{Hades waves a peeved Hercules off}.. Are ya there anymore of these stupid Hero Rules or is that it?**

{Hercules frowns briefly at Hades}.. Don't worry, there's only a few left…

**Thank the Fates!**

Never promise to help unless you know the job..

**Uh.. {Hades sighs heavily}.. I hate to say it Jerkules but once again I'm with ya on this one… I agreed to help Persephone get ready for last years Saturnalia and I swear if she were an imp I'd have just.. {mimes throttling her}.. All I got was: ..{Hades puts on his best Persephone voice}.. 'Does my butt look big in this robe'… 'Uh, I can't wear this it makes me look fat'.. **_**then**_** she spent three hours in the bathroom putting her face on before whining that her hair wouldn't sit right.. I'm telling' ya Herc, by the time she was ready I just wished I was mortal so I could kill myself..**

{Hercules made a sympathetic noise}.. Y'know Meg is exactly the same.. {there was a pause of silence}.. Anyway, back to the Hero Rules… {Hercules turns to the Reader}.. a hero always does as he's told..

**Hercules go jump in the Vortex of Fire!.. {He points in the direction of the swirling green vortex then pauses waiting for Hercules to obey}..**

{Hercules glares at Hades but doesn't move}

**Well I guess that's one rule broken ain't it Wonder Brat!**

{Hercules raises his middle finger to Hades}

**Ohh, nice, real nice… that's really mature..**

{Hercules ignores Hades and returns to the Readers}.. Ok, the hero race isn't a sprint it's a marathon… you have to create a game plan and follow through… and remember a hero isn't measured by the size of his strength-

**-or by the size of his wang!**

{Hercules rounds furious on his uncle}..Hades!..

**Yeesh, calm down Blunder Boy, I'm only messin' with ya! ..{Hades then shrugs}.. Besides, some of those Hero Rules weren't **_**sooo**_** bad..**

{Hercules blinks surprised}… What did you just say Hades?

**{Hades suddenly flares brilliant orange}… **_**I said get the freakin' hell outta my Underworld before I start chargin' ya rent!**_


End file.
